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Mother to an Angel – Babies gone before Birth

By on October 5, 2014
Nina Elizabeth Moon Baby

Being the grandmother of a beautiful little baby girl Nina Elizabeth who didn’t make it past 24 weeks in her mother’s womb, leaving 3 years ago yesterday, this story touches a very personal place

This is dedicated to Nina Elizabeth’s wonderful parents whose hearts will forever remain broken and her older brother who sadly never got to meet her.

This is a pain that impacts so many parents and yet it remains one of the most hidden experiences of grief in our society. Many beautful babies are lost in this way and their families deserve our hearts to be open to their pain, and for us to reach out to them.

My daughter’s sadness has prompted a great care towards other parents who have lost their babies before being born and she points out a very important thing we all need to understand:

Nina was 24 weeks old when we lost her. 20 weeks is the cut off age to be considered still born. So for a lot of families out there,who lose a baby at 19 weeks, there is never any formal recognition of their babies”

Nina Elizabeth's Butterfly Moon

Nina Elizabeth’s Butterfly Moon

 

Nina Elizabeth's Moons for her family

Nina Elizabeth’s Moons for her family

My Angel Granddaughter Nina Elizabeth - Moon Baby

My Angel Granddaughter Nina Elizabeth – Moon Baby

This story below ‘Mother to an Angel’ was written by Antonella Poggi who personally experienced the loss of her baby Max before he was born, and wants to help other parents who have been through this experience.

Antonella Poggi - BY MUM's SIDE

Antonella Poggi – BY MUM’s SIDE

If you need support please CONTACT ANTONELLA  and tell her you’ve come from The End of Life Matters

I Am A Mother to an Angel.
I dedicate this piece to my angel Max Junior 30/4/2014.

As a mother you never think that you will be faced with such a loss than the loss of your own child. The pain is
crippling. Each day is a battle.

There is no sugar coating such an ordeal, the tsunami of emotions that follow come in waves, each wave seems
to leave you even more breathless than the other, until you find yourself gasping for air, and suddenly you realise
you were asleep, and you weren’t dreaming it’s real. That little person that was growing, that you could feel
move, has suddenly left you, and with that there is also a loss of all that might have been.

I was 20 weeks pregnant. My waters broke. I had been having lower pains throughout the pregnancy, yet we
were reassured that all was well. The ultrasounds were all clear, and as far as we knew everything was clear.

That late afternoon, we rushed to Sandringham hospital, and the doctors confirmed my biggest fear, my waters
had broken and that the next 24 hours would be critical. I felt helpless. I looked at my husband and I pleaded with
the doctors to save our baby. I couldn’t lose him.

Each time I saw his image and there was a heart beat I felt my desperation ease a little knowing that he was not
suffering, that he was not distressed, that just maybe the fluid would repair, and that we would go home, and this
would be a story I could tell him. But this was not the case. I went into labour, and it was a fight we had all lost.

I asked the doctors to do a ultrasound, and there he was, so still and no heart beat.

I held him in my arms, I looked at his tiny hands, there was no life. No cries, he was fast asleep. He had ten
fingers and ten toes. At 20 weeks he was perfect .

I was taken into surgery as there was a risk of infection, and the rest was a blur.

I woke up calling out for him, I was broken. I was in hospital for four days. It was all a blur. I held him many times,
while I was in the hospital. I looked at him for hours. The nurses were wonderful, they took pictures, and his
prints.

My heart break, was leaving the hospital, and going home without our baby.

Instead we were planning his burial. Deciding where he would be put to rest. How could this be happening?

How were we going to get through this? How was I meant to accept the hand that I felt had been dealt to me and
our little family? How was I going to explain to our little girl that her little brother was not coming home?

How was I going to face the day, when my every thought went to that image when my baby was still, and was
pronounced dead.

How could I leave that behind? When a part of me went with him?

 

Since that day I have heard many women who have miscarried, and though each of our experiences are different, the common denominator is that it is a loss . Whether it is at 12 weeks, or 20 weeks it is still a loss that leaves a print and remains for sometime, if not our entire life time.

How do we cope !

To lose a child is the most painful types of grief. There is no text book that can take you through the emotions your day will be filled with, it’s a process. We each deal differently with grief, in the days that soon follow when we are consumed by guilt and despair, the thought of being compassionate does not enter our train of thought, we are consumed by the loss of our baby, we overlook the loved ones who also are consumed with their own grief.

There are so many mixed emotions that surface, for many women who have been through such an ordeal it is important to take the time to do what feels right for you. It’s a loss that I feel needs to be acknowledged, remembered, and there is no right or wrong way .

Whether you take pictures, or prints, or whether you choose not to its whatever feels right for you. For me, I needed to hold my baby and have my time to be with him whilst I was in hospital.

I am at peace. I had time with baby Max Junior. For me it was something I needed and I felt that was important if I was to ever come to terms with this cruel hand that I had been dealt. I can’t stress this enough. It’s a personal choice, and whatever you decide be sure that it will be right for you!

The journey

Let yourself grieve

Many of the women I have spoken to were surprised by…and unprepared for their-intensity of their grief. I am a therapist, my background is childhood development and parenting. I possess a broad knowledge in family therapy and childrens growth, development and behaviour.

Five years ago I became a mum to our beautiful little girl Elisha. I was so taken back by the many whirl wind changes that come with motherhood, that it was a time that I used for my own self development and as a result I began to reach out to other mothers, and what began as a friendly group of us meeting weekly, a bond formed and it was very clear, that there was a real need for support services to new mums and expectant fathers.

I found there was a real need for new parents to be supported, as I soon discovered that nothing prepared you for when you got home. From there, I did further study and I began to look at other avenues that could work well with my philosophy. As somebody who had experienced being viewed as a cluster of problem, in my early teen years I felt a real pull to move away from this and work in building a more holistic approach, and although many of us who work in the mental health stream, are there to provide a service that promotes well being, there is a lack of time put into building and sustaining a rapport with the people we see, due to ethical matters of conduct.

My approach is straight forward, in that I like to work with the whole person, couple, family, and support them rather than see them as a cluster of symptoms or problems.

My services cover areas to do with : Self Esteem, Anxiety, Depression, Loss and Grief and Family Therapy.

My objective is to ensure that those who I come into contact with feel accepted and safe whilst exploring areas which are problematic for them. I am a great believer that as individuals we have a remarkable capacity for self healing and personal growth, and my philosophy is one that reflects this belief.

For more details regarding services available at By Mums Side simply go to the website bymumsside.com.au

 

This poem I dedicate to Baby Max Junior and for all the other little angels who left too soon

RIP Baby Max Junior

30/4/2014

Angel of my tears

How do you love a person who never got to be,

Or try to envision a face you never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one who never got to live.

When there is nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive?

love you, my little baby, my companion of the night

Wondering through my lonely hours, beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before you were ever born,

To live the lonely night of life and never see the dawn?

Ah! My little baby if you’d lived for years.

No more, no less, I think of you,

The angel of my tears.

I will personally be offering services focused on emotional distress,depression and grief following miscarriage, stillbirth or loss of baby in the first twelve months.  

For more details regarding services available visit bymumsside.com.au

About Trypheyna McShane

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